Lying to Yourself
by Ship Stethan
Summary: Now revamped from the previous version. Let me know if you like it. Jason x Leo.


Lying to Yourself

Pairing: Jason/Leo

Jason Grace pulled Piper closer and kissed her frantically, trying to send the feeling of want into the kiss. Piper's own quickened breath mingled with his own, coming out in little pants, but little could she know that his heavy breathing wasn't from passion. Why did he always have to put so much effort into kissing her? It was almost like a chore. Piper, as though sensing his doubts, gently pushed him back.

"You're trying too hard," she chided gently, trying to steady her breath. "Not to say that's bad."

She grinned at him and he smiled back.

"It's just that sometimes I'd like to be more gentle," she continued. "You know, soft, like we flow together."

Jason didn't feel like they flowed together, if truth be told. He never had found kissing very thrilling, so he wasn't sure how he'd find other things. He'd kissed a few girls, but it always seemed like he had to really put feeling into the kiss, like making an effort. He just assumed that everyone felt that way about kissing.

"Why can't it ever be flowing, like natural?" Piper's voice penetrated his thoughts.

What could he say?

"I do kiss you like I mean it," he replied. "I like you a lot."

"That's not what I said," Piper she said, shaking her head. "That's another thing. Why can't you ever be direct with me Jason?"

Jason didn't know what to say. He didn't want to think about this right now. He cast a few glances around, but of course it was just he and Piper in the arena of Camp Half Blood. Most of the demigods had left on vacation. Jason wished someone was there. He needed a cop out.

"I am direct with you," Jason said softly, massaging her shoulders. "I love you Piper. Why don't you believe me?"

"I know you do," she said sadly. "I know you love me, I'm just not sure you love me as much as I love you."

Jason felt his heart sink. How could she say something like that when he gave her his everything? Was she right though? Was his love not enough? He wasn't sure what it was, but he'd never been able to love Piper the way she wanted. Maybe it was that Ryena girl he remembered. His thoughts were broken again by Piper shrugging away from his hands to leave.

"Piper wait," he said softly. "I really do."

She eyed him with a look of confusion and sadness before nodding.

"I know you do," she whispered. "Maybe I'm just being silly. Laters Jason."

She forced a smile and walked away from him, he knowing that it would do no good to call her back. Why was loving her so hard? He did feel something for her, but what if it wasn't love? What if he just really liked her, like maybe as a friend? Their love wasn't exactly based on anything solid. A false memory given to him by Hera. That wasn't much of a foundation, yet they continued to pretend it was. They continued to cling to the false memory like a life preserver, trying to steady the sinking sand that was their rapidly deteriorating relationship. Jason's legs had carried him in his thoughts, not even hardly aware of where he was going. Yet he was now facing the door of his cabin, the Zues cabin, of which he was the only demigod. He flung himself onto the air mattress that served as his bed, casting a glance toward the statue of his father, feelings confused.

"Father help me," he said softly. "I don't know why I can't love Piper the way she loves me. Why isn't my love enough? God, who am I?"

The statue remained still, but the energy of his father's presence suddenly filled the room, uplifting him. A small breeze brushed past him, and he could almost swore he heard a voice.

"Look inside your heart," it said.

Jason lay back and began to examine his thoughts and feelings, like he'd done a thousand times. Why didn't he love Piper the way she loved him? He wasn't even sure he knew what love was. People talked about love, and he'd thought he'd known, but maybe it wasn't. Then his thoughts turned to other people he felt strongly for. The smiling elvish features of his best friend Leo flashed into his mind. Then he remembered that moment in the cave, when Leo had given him emotional support when they'd found his sister Thalia. That one gesture that Jason had assumed was a friendly gesture, yet what if it was more?

'Love you'

What if Leo did love him? But that was simply impossible. Leo was straight. He'd even said he always fell for the girls he couldn't have. Should he try talking to Leo? What would he say? Maybe he could at least make him feel better. He got up off the floor and exited his cabin, making his way across the grounds to the Hephaestus cabin with a sense of purpose. He knocked and sure enough it was Leo who answered.

"Jason, my man," Leo greeted with his token grin. "What brings you here?"

"Oh you know, nothing," Jason said nervously. "Just needed someone to talk to."

"Anytime, just come on in," Leo replied.

Jason walked past him into the cabin entrance. The Hephaestus cabin reminded one of being in a factory, it was even heated. Leo led him to his large bed at the end of the bunks. It had been a boy named Beckendorf's bed not long ago, though neither one of them had ever met him. Leo took a seat and beckoned Jason to do the same. Their eyes met, Leo's having the same hint of amusement mingled with mischief they always had.

"Well then, shoot," Leo spoke.

"It's just me and Piper," Jason began. "She doubts our love, and to be honest...I doubt it too. Maybe I really don't love her enough."

Leo nodded understandingly and placed his hand on Jason's shoulder with a look that said nothing but genuine care and support.

"Amigo," Leo said gently. "Ever think you're not being honest with yourself? Maybe you aren't meant to be. What do you think Jason? What do 'you' feel?"

"I think Piper could be right," Jason admitted, and Leo could tell he was really nervous. "I think maybe I don't love her enough, can't love her enough..."

"Why not?" Leo whispered. "Tell me. It's okay, no matter what you say."

Jason saw the same look of concern and love in his friend's eyes that he'd seen that night in the cave. Leo was a bit of a jester, and totally wreckless, but he was a true friend. Dare he say it?

"I can't take this back," Jason whispered. "Please don't think badly of me..."

"Never," Leo said firmly with enough conviction and sincerity to steady him.

"I think I..." Jason hesitated, "I think I could be...you know...gay."

Jason looked away, expecting a bad reaction, but he felt Leo's hand grip his chin, as his face was turned to face his.

"Is that so bad?" Leo asked. "Why would it matter? Did you think I'd react bad? Think I'd be angry?"

Leo grinned and broke into a laugh. Jason could hardly believe this. Didn't Leo have the conservative mores that so many Mexican families had?

"I don't understand," Jason said carefully. "Aren't you straight?"

"Well yeah," Leo said shrugging. "That doesn't mean I have to dislike gay people, does it?"

"No I guess not," Jason replied. "So you like girls?"

"Far as I know," Leo said. "I can't say that I've ever loved one, but I do think they're...you know- hot. I'm not exactly sure what love is."

"Me either," Jason admitted. "I just know that I feel strongly for some people."

"Like who?" Leo asked curiously.

"Like friends."

Jason didn't know what to think of this sudden turn in conversation. Leo seemed perfectly unphased, though he did seem to be thinking.

"I feel things for people too," Leo admitted, but his tone was guarded. "Friends. Do you feel anything for me Jason? It's okay to tell me."

"Kind of," Jason told him. "Why, do you?"

Leo eyed him with a hard to read expression. That same look of concern and love was back, but it was stronger. Should he answer Jason's question- truthfully?

"Yeah," Leo whispered. "I think I do."

Jason felt butterflies explode in his stomach. He didn't know what to say now that Leo had confirmed his mutual attraction. Leo saw the confusion in his friend's expression.

"Don't be upset, please," Leo said softly. "I care about you."

Upset? Leo thought he was upset? He shook his head and smiled slightly.

"I care about you too," Jason whispered.

Their eyes never broke contact. Jason felt himself moving closer, unable to stop it. His gaze drifted to Leo's lips, almost seeming to invite him to what he desperately wanted, and Leo wasn't moving away. When Jason was close enough to touch he raised his hand and joined their lips at the same time he embraced his friend's waist. Jason exhaled and found himself instantly addicted to Leo's taste. The kiss deepened for a few seconds, growing more frantic, until he decided things were moving too fast. When he pulled away he smiled and Leo smiled back.

"Jason," he whispered.

"Yes, my little Leo?" he whispered back.

"Is this love?"

Jason felt his heart soar as he realized it likely was.

"I think so."


End file.
